There are still so many things in this world that I do not understand and I have finally accepted that much of it may remained cloaked in mystery until I leave this place. And it is so easy to neglect my “human being-ness” and deny myself very simple, basic self-care as I square off to battle the daily assaults that we each contend with daily. It could be as simple as being too ashamed to admit that I am hurting and afraid or not sleeping and eating or languishing in places that are not mentally or spiritually safe while waiting for someone, anyone, to take note of my plight and “come get me…” The Work of Self is an inside job and doing any one of these self-defeating behaviors can and does place one in a position that is dangerous and open for further attacks of one’s own mind and skewed thinking and self-talk or equally dangerous, open to those who are thoughtless or even downright mean and cruel.
~*~
But this morning, after a day of rest, I am even more grateful for my training for times like these. It is inevitable that situations and circumstances will rise up and whirl and swirl around me; temporarily blinding me and leave me feeling lost and confused. My early days of training have prepared me. When I feel so small and wholly inadequate as I face things that scare me and confuse me, I have been taught to put my mind through the paces…I go back and begin the counting off of those things that I do know: God is. God loves me…I am “here” and not “there…” **Speak the “Absolutes” of what I DO Know!!**
~*~
I have yet to encounter a word that is big or wide or deep or multi-layered and textured enough to encompass the place of “grateful” this brings me to…and I’m not sure that I want to. This “place” that I am abiding in cannot be described by the limiting of language…and I’m so glad that I am always “denied access” whenever I try to insinuate myself into that equation is already
Complete, Established and Immutable.
♥
And even as I meditate on the intricacy and eloquence of the many and varied lessons here in this one example of “going deeper yet,” I am caught up with praises as I lovingly acknowledge the One who continues to draw me closer to Him. As my Life continues to blossom before me and I gain more perspective and insight, I can further see, none of the wisdom or strategies that I now possess came as a result of my becoming sick and tired of my existence in that place where the dark only got darker and came up with a really clever idea of how to save myself. Had I done that, there would have been no need for a Savior, for I would have managed to rescue, redeem, restore, and reconcile myself by myself. I promise you, I would have done that if I were able to. But had I not been allowed to “crunch” that equation down to it’s final and most simple integers, I would have been tempted to “revisit” some places for further testing and data gathering…and more humbly yet, that now, even in my “belief,” had I not been prompted by the Holy Spirit to sputter, while in agony and confusion, “Examine me…please,” that even in my “belief” I would be deceived and misled, if left to my own best thinking and efforts. Continual divesting of the dead (wo)man I no longer am, is the essential and life-allowing pruning that must be done again and again and yet again…
~*~
So, do I languish in complacency now? No. Never. While I am grateful for the fortification and nourishment Love allowed me as I prepare to face THIS day and the challenges that inevitably await me, the good soldier knows beyond knowing to dress daily in “the full armor…” ever mindful that the battle rages on.
Your Sister, Daughter, Friend, and Fellow Warrior…
Ruby TruthSeeker
#storyteller
#RogueWriter
All Rights Reserved. Lisa Seward-Partee/Ruby TruthSeeker. 2017.